


Always Listen to Q

by Castillon02



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, exploding pen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 09:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20079775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castillon02/pseuds/Castillon02
Summary: The new recruits hear all about that time Bond's "exploding pen" made contact with an actual exploding pen.





	Always Listen to Q

**Author's Note:**

> For 007 Fest 2019, for the free space of the 'classic' table; I went with the prompt 'exploding pen.'

“Once upon a time,” Moneypenny said to the group of new field recruits, “there was a Double-Oh who thought he knew best what kind of gadgets he needed. He begged and he begged, and he used all of his wiles, and eventually the Quartermaster gave in and gave him what he wanted.” 

***

“Is this what I think it is?” Bond asked, greedily eyeing the slim box in Q’s hand. It had to be—no, Q was opening it, and it _was_. An exploding pen! 

Q ducked his head, an attractive flush on his cheeks. “We don’t really go in for that sort of thing anymore…but I thought I could make an exception.” He offered Bond a tremulous smile. 

“Q, I could kiss you,” Bond said, and he did just that, swooping in and planting a smack on Q’s lips. “Brilliant!” 

“Yes, well…do keep it in the case, just to be cautious,” Q said, touching his fingers to his mouth. He seemed a bit dazed, poor thing. “They were removed from our inventory for a reason.” 

“Cautious, of course,” Bond agreed, but he hardly heard Q over the chant of _exploding pen, exploding pen, exploding pen_ in his mind. 

“Three clicks to arm it, three to disarm it,” Q said. “You know.” 

“I know,” Bond said, grinning. “Thank you, Q!” 

He practically skipped away, intent on bragging to the other 00s about his gift. Unfortunately, none of them were in the office, so Bond ended up using the pen to do paperwork instead. The novelty at least kept him smiling at random moments throughout the day. 

And when it was time to leave, well, Bond knew he had to take his pen home with him. What if he left it in the office and one of the other 00s took it? No, that would never do. 

His jacket pocket had a hole in it; his tailor told him that it wasn’t meant to hold bullet clips, but the man would just need to reinforce the seams a little more next time. In any case, the pen fit fine in his trouser pocket; it even snugged down right next to the line of his cock, nice and secure. 

When he slid into the seat of his Aston Martin, he heard the pen click against his thigh. “Hmm, can’t have that.” He clicked the pen five times more to disarm it. 

As he turned the key in the ignition, doubt hit him. That _had_ been the first click, right? He hadn’t been clicking it on and off without noticing as he was walking down the halls, trotting down the stairs, and chatting with his coworkers? 

Right? 

***

“They were able to save his life,” Moneypenny informed her wincing audience. “But his cock and balls were blown to bits by the extremely localized explosion. And that’s why you should always listen to your quartermaster, otherwise you’ll end up just like 007.” 

The field recruits nodded solemnly, a few of them crossing their legs. 

“Now get to lunch,” Moneypenny said. She grinned. “I believe they have some spotted dick for dessert today.” 

The recruits fled immediately; they knew better than to linger and give an exec an excuse to assign them some more work. 

“Putting the fear of God into the recruits, Moneypenny?” M asked good-naturedly when she returned to her desk. 

“The fear of Q, sir,” Moneypenny said, giving him her most innocent look. 

M took one look at her face and laughed out loud. 

Moneypenny smirked. M wasn’t as easy to bullshit as the new recruits, now, was he? He knew very well that Q had made sure the pen wouldn’t actually explode, only produce some highly startling fireworks. 

A mildly scorched penis had put a quick end to Bond’s Q Branch beggary, even if Moneypenny suspected that Q had, after he stopped laughing, kissed it better. 


End file.
